It has been an uncommon last few days, with the loss of
well-known personalities in the country. The wave started with veteran
politician GG Kariuki, followed by the cabinet secretary for Interior ministry,
General Joseph Nkaissery and then retired politician Nicholas Biwott.
As the country mourns these public figures, thousands of
families across the country mourn the loss of their loved ones privately. The
grief felt by all is unfathomable and as friends, we can only provide a
shoulder to cry on in times of distress.
One
of the most critical matters when it comes to death, is breaking the sad news
to family members. In the case of a patient who has been hospitalized for a
long time and demise is more or less expected, things are a little easier
because most times, family will be present and are less shocked, even if no
less emotional. The patient care team is able to break the news directly to the
family as the first recipients. Thereafter, the family members may call who
they deem appropriate and pass on the news in an orderly fashion. This gives
them control over the process.
In
the case of sudden death, matters are much more complicated. The patient may
arrive at the hospital already dead or may die following failed resuscitation
at the emergency room. Here the scenario plays out a lot differently. In both
instances, the emergency room team bears the responsibility of confirming
death, even to those who may bring in their loved one, having already passed
on. Once this confirmation is done, the reality is forced on to the family and
this gives way to shock and denial. Reactions will vary, some will scream and
shout and punch walls, others may lose consciousness, those with medical
conditions will have flares of negative symptoms such as a sharp rise in blood
pressure and yet others go mute.
These
moments of intense pain call for a lot of understanding and support. And herein
lies the social media problem we are facing. All world over, there is a need to
develop social media etiquette around death, even more so in Kenya. We have all
been guilty of breaking this unwritten code, from our well-intentioned RIP
posts on twitter, to downright callous posts of pictures identifying tragic
accident victims.
As
we post past pictures of the deceased on social media within minutes of their
demise, do we stop to think if the immediate family has already been informed?
My friend was admitted to hospital with severe depression when her dad passed
on. I learnt about it on social media and attempted to call her to offer
support, not knowing that she was in the hospital. Thankfully she was not
allowed to have a phone and that saved the day when I would have stuck my foot
right in my mouth!
Worse
still is during road accidents. The role of passing on the information to the
family belongs to the police. When I lost my brother 15 years ago in an
accident in Naivasha where he lived, my sister-in-law was informed by the police
and then she called us. Thanks to the era of analogue living, both my parents
had the luxury of hearing the sad news of losing their first son from their own
children rather than strangers on the phone. To this day, I am grateful for
that. Nowadays, everyone with a smartphone wants to be the first to make
breaking news on social media with grisly videos and snapshots. The rolling
cameras are more important than remembering to dial the emergency line or offer
to help.
This
despicable behavior has slowly wormed its way into society and has actually
become acceptable. With the world on the palm of our hands, Facebook, Twitter,
Whatsapp, Instagram and many other platforms have been abused. It is worse when
the departed is a well-known personality. Conspiracy theories about the cause
of death abound and the bereaved are stripped of their private moments to
absorb their losses. The departed is judged and character-assassinated by a
public that comprises of perfect strangers and the family knows no peace. They could
as well have been stripped naked and hung in the public square.
As
we continue to entertain this terrible behavior, let us take note of the damage
it causes:
·
The orphaned
children may be scarred for life by the callous dissection of the parent by strangers
they will never meet. These children live in a society in school and in their
social places of interaction. Your strong negative sentiments will certainly
impact their future interactions with their peers and may result in a negative
effect on their personality.
·
The mother who
lost her son may be hypertensive and the cold manner of breaking the news may
result in an unwarranted stroke or even heart attack.
·
The wife who may
have travelled out of the country, not knowing her husband was shot by thugs on
his way home may see the news on her Facebook account when she accesses Wi-Fi
in a foreign hotel room, wondering why she has 600 new notifications, before
her brother-in-law gets through to her on phone. The devastation she will face
in the lonely state is enough to break her spirit
Bad
news triggers stress reaction in the body, with production of neurotransmitters
and hormones that may be detrimental to health. Adrenaline will trigger the
immediate sudden reaction to fight the reality of the sad news, powered by
noradrenaline which prepares your body to respond. These may pass but the
cascade they activate of cortisol response, when sustained, results in
long-term negative effects to the body. Repeatedly hammering the same sad
message home does more harm than good. The bereaved persons must be allowed
space and privacy to mourn and start the healing process.
Before
you post another one of those offhand messages, ask yourself: am I the right
person to do this? Is this what the most private member of the family would’ve
wanted? Is it necessary? Would I better express my support to the bereaved
privately? Remember, even the most disliked personality has someone somewhere
mourning them. Even Adolf Hitler was mourned!
And
never, ever make comments that make you more entitled to grief than the
bereaved!
Post A Comment:
0 comments: